Sex: Consent, Protection and a Plan for When It Fails

Sex requires voluntary and ongoing consent.

A person can refuse before it starts or stop partway through. Earlier consent, a relationship, a gift or coming home together create no obligation.

Alcohol and other substances can impair the ability to make a free decision. With a new partner it is especially sensible to stay sober enough to understand what is happening, state your boundaries and notice the other person’s.

Condoms reduce the risk of many sexually transmitted infections and of unwanted pregnancy. That means a new condom for each act and correct use throughout the contact.

A partner’s refusal to use protection does not automatically prove an infection. But pressure, removing a condom without consent, or trying to present the other person with a fait accompli are serious signs of disregard for safety and consent.

Protection can fail. A condom can tear or slip off.

Then it matters to act without shame and without delay:

• consider emergency contraception if there is a risk of pregnancy;
• check whether testing for infections is needed;
• contact a medical or sexual and reproductive health service;
• do not assume that no symptoms means no infection.

Emergency contraception prevents pregnancy after unprotected contact or a method failure, but it does not protect against infections.

Having a pill “just in case” is no substitute for knowing the time window, the contraindications and how to reach medical advice. In some cases an intrauterine device may be the more effective option, but that decision is made with a clinician.

A person who values a partner is not obliged to want sex tomorrow. But he is obliged to respect today’s no.

Consent is poorly described by the metaphor of a signature: it is not a document collected at the door but a state that either continues or stops as things go on. In practice that means looking not once but the whole time, and that the absence of a no tells you nothing. Someone who has gone quiet, gone still or stopped taking part has already answered. Waiting for a clear formulation at that moment is a way of not hearing.

The cost of a protection failure is measured not in shame but in time: some of the options depend on how quickly the person got to a clinician. So it is sensible to know in advance where to go in your own city and how it works, rather than finding out at night through a search engine.