Respect or Distance

Family morality sometimes demands that closeness be preserved regardless of what is left of the relationship. But steady contempt sits badly with closeness: if respect is not restored, it is more honest to discuss distance.

You can be angry at a person, disagree with him and consider a particular act bad. But if the underlying attitude has become contemptuous, contact gradually turns into a system of punishments: sarcasm, dismissiveness, public jabs and a demonstrative lack of interest.

In that situation it helps not to demand abstract respect from yourself, but to check:

• whether anything valuable is left in the relationship;
• whether a specific behaviour can be changed;
• whether contempt is being used to maintain superiority;
• whether the distance can be increased;
• whether it is safe to end the relationship.

Not every relationship can be ended immediately. You have to work with a colleague, settle shared matters with a relative, raise a child with a former partner.

Then respect means a minimum working standard:

• do not humiliate;
• keep agreements;
• speak to the point;
• do not intrude into unnecessary areas;
• keep contact limited to the task.

Warm feelings are not required. It is enough not to use the other person as a container for your own disgust.

If respect is impossible and interaction is optional, distance is more honest than a permanent war.

The minimum standard is easier to write down as rules than as feelings. With a relative you have nothing to talk about but with whom you have to settle the question of grandmother’s flat, you can agree like this: we discuss documents and money, we meet at the notary, we do not raise anything else. It is uncomfortable for exactly the first two meetings; after that it simply becomes boring, which for such a case is a good result. The list of topics is better said out loud, otherwise each side will treat it as its own and slightly different.

An attempt to bring warmth back into a relationship like this usually ends with the old conflict returning alongside the warmth. Distance is cheaper: it does not require forgiving, only not starting.