Character Under Load

An unusual or difficult setting shows sides of a person that are rarely visible across an ordinary table.

Travel, working together, illness, lack of sleep and a delayed flight all reveal:

• how someone tolerates discomfort;
• whether he blames the people around him;
• whether he can share;
• whether he keeps his sense of humour;
• whether he can make a decision;
• whether he admits to being tired;
• how he treats the people serving the situation.

But deliberately arranging tests for partners and friends is dangerous. Someone being tested in secret is taking an exam without consent and without criteria.

It is enough to observe the difficult moments that actually occur.

Rudeness and arrogance sometimes hide insecurity. Sometimes they are habit, impunity, or pleasure in dominating. A kind attitude can lower someone’s defences, but it is not obliged to become a reward for bad treatment.

You can start with neutral goodwill. If the person softens, good. If he takes it as permission to carry on, what is needed is a boundary, not another helping of compliments. Sympathy explains behaviour. It does not require granting that behaviour unlimited access.

The most informative moment is how someone treats a person who cannot answer back. A delayed flight, a queue, an error on the bill: the member of staff at the desk is not to blame for what is happening and is not allowed to walk out of the conversation. Behaviour towards him tells you more than a dozen evenings around a shared table, because here rudeness carries no price at all. That is exactly why the observation works: you see how a person acts when the consequences are zero.

The other side of it is that we are being observed at the same time. A shared trip, a renovation or a hospital is not an exam for one participant. The other side is collecting material too, and drawing conclusions too, it just rarely announces them out loud.