Love Does Not Have to Be Earned

A romantic plot is often built around conquest: through the right deeds, patience and persistence the hero earns another person’s love. In real life, attention and closeness are not a prize for completing a quest.

It seems that this particular person’s attention has to be obtained, and that a refusal means a rare and irreparable loss. The more effort has already gone in, the harder it is to stop.

Courtship and initiative are normal. You can invite, show interest and take the second step. The problem starts when one person keeps refusing, disappearing, putting the other in a queue or demanding ever new proofs of worth.

It makes more sense to look not at a single gesture but at mutual movement:

• the person gets in touch himself;
• finds time;
• takes an interest in your life;
• keeps agreements;
• does not use jealousy;
• does not keep you in reserve;
• is able to say clearly that he does not want to continue.

Not every unreciprocated love is toxic. Feelings are under no obligation to be fair. What can become toxic is behaviour: exploiting attachment, keeping things vague for convenience, humiliation, or demanding that ordinary respect be earned.

An idol is especially inconvenient as a partner. Admiration sets up a hierarchy in advance and gets in the way of seeing an ordinary person with ordinary flaws.

Declaring love is not forbidden even when the answer is uncertain. But a declaration should report feelings, not present an invoice.

Someone else’s “no” does not turn into “yes” through the quality of your arguments.

Noticing people who already find us interesting is often wiser than spending years proving your worth to someone occupied with another life.

The sign of being kept in reserve is simple: contact resumes whenever the other side has nothing on. The person disappears for months, then turns up one evening with a warm message, and a week later disappears again, and the cycle repeats on a schedule with no connection to anything happening in our life. From the inside it feels like “it finally worked,” though the rhythm is set by someone else’s calendar. It is easy to test: try getting in touch yourself during his busy week.

The unpleasant part is that effort works backwards here. The more a person proves his worth, the firmer his place in the reserve: it is convenient to keep someone who stays available at no cost.