Friendship of Different Depths
The culture of friendship likes one lofty word for very different relationships, and then demands from every acquaintance complete loyalty, closeness and readiness to come to the rescue. Not every pleasant person becomes a close friend — and that does not make the connection fake.
The sociologist Mark Granovetter titled one of his best-known papers “The Strength of Weak Ties.” Close friends often know the same people and the same information as we do. Rarer acquaintances link different circles and therefore often bring news about jobs, ideas and opportunities that did not exist inside the tight group.
A weak tie does not replace a friend you can call at night. It performs a different function. Social life is more robust when it holds both deep relationships and light bridges to other worlds.
There are acquaintances for a shared hobby, colleagues, neighbours, people to travel with, and people you can call on a hard day. Demanding the full set from each of them makes no sense.
Friendship is built from repeated mutuality: interest, time, help, trust, enjoyment of each other’s company and the ability to survive a disagreement.
Mutuality does not mean exact bookkeeping. One person helps with practical things, another knows how to listen. In different periods the balance shifts.
Still, constant one-sidedness deserves attention. If one person always calls, arranges, helps and adjusts, the two sides may mean different things by the relationship.
People cannot be corrected to fit the model of friendship you want. You can name the problem and see whether the person is able to change a specific behaviour.
Not every shortcoming calls for a break. An unreliable acquaintance should not be trusted with anything important, but it can still be pleasant to go to the cinema with them. A friend who cannot offer comfort is sometimes excellent in a practical emergency.
Mature friendship takes the actual person into account, not the post you once appointed them to.
One close friend really is a great piece of luck. But testing a friendship by willingness to take part in a crime is still not required. Moving a wardrobe is quite enough.
The test for one-sidedness is done without hurt feelings and without bookkeeping: simply stop being the initiator for a while. Do not call first, do not suggest meeting, do not remind them. Sometimes it turns out the person is busy and genuinely glad to be remembered, but never starts anything themselves — that is an answer too, not about a bad friend but about how the connection is built. Sometimes nothing turns out at all: the relationship simply ends, and it becomes clear what was holding it together.
The result of such a test is better not turned into a verdict. A connection that exists as long as one person maintains it can still be pleasant. The only mistake is counting it as a reserve for a hard day.