Getting Acquainted Without an Interrogation

At a first meeting you want to work out quickly who is in front of you.

Where the person grew up, what they do, what interests them, why they chose their profession, how they spend their free time — all of it helps find common ground.

Biographical facts are not a reliable psychological test, though.

Someone may have chosen a university on their parents’ advice and still become the owner of their own life later. They may not remember the exact wording on their diploma after twenty years of work. Parents’ education affects the starting conditions but does not issue the child a fixed level of culture.

Early conclusions are better held lightly.

Good questions for getting acquainted do not demand a report and let the other person choose the depth:

How did you end up in this line of work?

What do you like about it?

What do you do outside work?

Have you lived in this city long?

How do you know the hosts?

The answer suggests the next question. A conversation becomes natural when a person follows their interest instead of filling in an internal form.

It is worth noticing the movement in the other direction too. If one person has been asking questions for twenty minutes and the other has not once asked anything back, that may mean nerves, habit, lack of interest or simply a bad evening. One meeting is not enough for a diagnosis, but information has been gathered.

Not everyone likes biographical questions. For some people family, origin or education are tied to painful experience. A normal question allows for a short answer and a change of subject.

The goal of getting acquainted is not to compile a first-order portrait of a personality. It is more to work out whether you want a second look.

The difference between a form and a conversation can be heard in where the next question comes from. If it grew out of the answer — “and what was the worst part of that building site?” — the conversation is running. If the next question was ready in advance and does not depend on what was said, the other person soon starts answering more briefly: they are not being listened to, boxes are being ticked. A form can be filled in without the person present — their CV is enough for that.

A question that can be answered in one word without continuing is usually safer than an expansive one. It leaves the choice of depth open, and the depth a person chooses tells you more than a full answer to a direct question about their family.